The Awesome Life Of Eric Byrnes

I love Eric Byrnes and so should you. I know what you're thinking. But surely, MTD, you realize he's the recipient of one of the worst contracts around (3 years, $30 M) and the poor D-Backs are still on the hook for $11 million this season. How can you love a guy who retired this year after being released by the Mariners? The Mariners. How can you love a guy who hit .094/.237/.156 and was worth negative $1.4 million this year? Well, I'll tell you why if you'd shut up for a second.

Eric Byrnes is leading a charmed life after retiring at the ripe old age of 34. Oh yeah, and he's raking in that cool $11 million from the D-Backs during his first year of retirement. This is why I love Eric Byrnes. This is his typical Wednesday...

... Surf. (I'm told the waves have been good lately.)

... Play 18 holes.

... Pull on the uniform of the Dutch Goose and represent the venerable Menlo Park burger-and-beer joint in a slowpitch softball league.

... Read his daughter a bedtime story.

Yeah, that's right. Eric Byrnes is crushing two or three homers a night as a ringer for the Dutch Goose in a softball beer league. Not only is that awesome but then he says stuff like this...

"Whether we go 0-for-4 or 4-for-4, the beer is still cold, and the burgers are still good.''

Who wouldn't want to hang out with that guy? And the Dutch Goose would be silly if they don't start selling jerseys instead of just t-shirts. Don't get me wrong, I'm still getting a t-shirt.

Okay, but what happens if he gets bored from not working like many retirees do (a concept that boggles my mind)? No problem. He has a part time job selling mattresses at Home Plate Furnishings. Need a new ottoman? Go see Byrnsey down at Home Plate Furnishings. He might even get you a deal on a new bedroom suite. I like oak myself, that's what's in my bedroom. How 'bout you Jimmie, you an oak man?

So yeah, that's why I love Eric Byrnes. And I suppose he might even deserve a few extra cool points for marrying a Miss California.