The Crisis In Boston

The Red Sox haven't exactly been lucky in the health department this year. The outfield was so decimated by injuries that the Sox had to resort to undrafted prospects, beer vendors and your cousin Tawmmy. But they were able to make do because the heart and soul of the Sox, Dustin Pedroia, could will them to victory using only his scrapiness and clutchiness. Bad news swept over Boston last night like Black Death overtook Crimea in 1346. Dustin Pedroia broke his foot and might miss up to six weeks. Ahhhh. Everybody take cover under your school desk, the sky is falling.

Don't worry Boston, I'm going to help you come up with some possible replacements while Pedroia rests at home in that tree where he bakes cookies in the offseason.

Tom Brady

Positives: good arm, knows how to apply eye black, veteran leader

Negatives: wore a Yankees hat, I can stop there right?

Chase Utley

Positives: best second baseman in baseball, he's also white which means he's scrappy, grows similar facial hair

Negatives: Phillies probably won't trade him unless their owner needs to finance a Broadway play

Joe Morgan

Positives: Bill James calls him the greatest second baseman in the history of baseball, don't have to give up prospects

Negatives: seems to have gone completely insane over the past decade or so

Rajon Rondo

Positives: young, athletic, handles a ball well, has the rest of the summer off

Negatives: terrified of goatees and couldn't play that close to Youkilis

Cam Neely

Positives: will bring Denis Leary to drink with everybody after the game

Negatives: can barely move anymore

Denis Leary

Positives: will bring Cam Neely to drink with everybody after the game, will out-swear your mother, hates Kobe

Negatives: poor cardio from smoking 48 out of 52 years, Rescue Me is based in New York