Red Sox Make Carl Crawford Super Rich

After tonight's Carl Crawford coup and the Adrian Gonzalez trade, I imagine Theo Epstein is smoking a Cuban cigar and drinking a 30-year-old single malt scotch while strippers peel off Red Sox uniforms except for the knee high socks. I knew I should have gone to Yale or high school. Just days after the Red Sox traded for the biggest non-free agent bat in Gonzalez, Boston signed Crawford to a seven-year, $142 million contract. Only Manny Ramirez has ever signed a more lucrative deal as an outfielder when he raked in $160 million from, um, the Red Sox.

Epstein still has to sign Gonzalez to an extension which will also easily clear the $100 million mark. It also turns out that the Red Sox were one of the mystery teams that offered Cliff Lee seven years. It must be rough for Theo to throw around all of John Henry's Monopoly money with his fancy Ivy League degree and shiny World Series rings.

Now would probably be a good time to remind you that I'm a very bitter Angels fan. With Crawford off the market to the Red Sox, the Yankees, Rangers and maybe the Angels will start spewing dollars and years at Cliff Lee like a 14-year-old after a fifth of Peppermint Schnapps. Tis the season.

It's anybody's guess but I think the Yankees will go to seven years and sign Cliff Lee. The Angels appear to be the entire market for Adrian Beltre now and could also afford to throw cash at Rafael Soriano. The Rangers, not to be left empty handed, have the pieces to make a strong push for a Zach Greinke trade.