What Is A Giancarlo Cruz Michael Stanton?

And how did this get by me? I know this isn't exactly breaking news but I'm bored. Apparently, young Marlins slugger Mike Stanton has a whole front half of his name that I didn't know about. The full, and much awesomer, name of the outfielder is Giancarlo Cruz Michael Stanton. Here's the origin story behind the full name which will be what I call him on this site henceforth...

The Jacksonville Suns [published on 4/28/10 - Ed.] right fielder’s name is listed on his birth certificate as “Giancarlo Cruz Michael Stanton,” a long name for a long-ball hitter. The first half was given to him by his mother of Puerto Rican and African-American descent, and the second half is the same name as his Irish father.

By 5th grade, Stanton's name had been abused so much by teachers that he just went by Mike. I like to think that he was so hurt by the mispronunciations that he took his frustrations out on baseballs.

Legend (that I made up) has it that he used to come home so upset that his mom would toss him batting practice to cheer him up. This was where he developed the crushing power he now displays with the Marlins. As a 9-year-old, he routinely belted his mom's 15-mph pitches 400 feet into Panorama City's neighboring town of Rustic Gardens.

When he was 10-years-old he hit a ball so far it landed in a crabby old-man's backyard where he kept a giant, angry dog that chewed up baseballs. Little Mikey Stanton had no idea that that ball was his dad's prized possession and signed by Babe Ruth. Hijinx would ensue but I can't tell you the rest of the story due to copyright laws.

In Giancarlo's first 396 plate appearances with the Marlins, he hit 22 homers and a .259/.326/.507 line. The power is legit and 40 home runs are in his future. Bill James has him pegged for 38 homers and .268/.355/.556 for 2011. I thought I owed you guys some actual facts after wasting your time with the rest of that nonsense.