A Conversation With Fake A.J. Burnett

Here's an actual text message back-and-forth I had with fake A.J. Burnett after today's Yankees game:

Fake A.J.: "Hello. I'm A.J. Burnett."

Derwood: "How did you get my phone number?"

Fake A.J.: "I looked it up."

Derwood: "Well, can you do me a favor and never use the number again?"

Fake A.J.: "But I wanted to offer you my autograph."

Derwood: "I'll give you a bag of cat urine for it."

Fake A.J.: "Deal!"