I Love Ozzie Guillen

I love Ozzie Guillen and it's not just because the one part of the English language he mastered is profanity. He's cocky, abrasive, has no filter and I suspect he drinks quite a bit. He's just like your one uncle except he's had a job since 2004 and doesn't have to introduce himself as registered sex offender to the neighbors.

But Guillen isn't have a great season at the helm of the Pale Hose. The White Sox are 77-82 with three games to play and 15 games out of the AL Central, a division many, including yours truly, picked them to win. It's hard to pin the disappointing season all on Guillen. Of qualified American League players, the Sox have two of the worst five in fWAR (Fanrgraphs Wins Above Replacement) and three of the bottom 15. And that doesn't include Adam Dunn and his MLB worst -2.8 fWAR.

Guillen, however, doesn't want to point fingers at some of the historically bad performances of his players and would give his own performance the lowest grade possible...

For proof of that, look at what Guillen said when asked recently what grade he'd give himself for 2011.

"Z," he said.

"You're the man," Guillen said. "You make the lineup. So many things are on your shoulders. You have to be honest with yourself. I don't think this team went where it was supposed to be. I don't see why not give myself a Z. I don't play to be a second-place or third-place team."

Despite his own harsh grade, Guillen made it clear what he's looking for from the Sox after a meeting with Chairman Jerry Reinsdorf...

"(Bleep) more years, I want more money," Guillen said. "I don’t work here for years. No, I want more money. Years, what, I’m going to die poor with the White Sox. Hell, no. Listen this is my job. It’s the only thing I can do. I have to make money out of somewhere. I’m not a doctor or a lawyer, where you’ll have a job for the rest of your life.

"Life is about money. People don’t believe that. People are happy after they make money."

Yeah! That lousy $2 million I'm supposed to make next year will barely cover the overhead for my pygmy hippopotamus farm! I should have gone to law school! Or doctor school!

Guillen did say that he wanted to stay with the White Sox organization and his relationship with GM Kenny Williams would remain very respectful. You know, as long as they back that truck full of cash up to his drive way.

He declined to say if he'd quit if he didn't get a lucrative extension. There are some dire repercussions for the Guillen household though if he does find himself out of work...

"I’ve got to talk to my wife, and she’s got to cut the shopping process and Ozzie (Jr.) has got to quit drinking a little bit and Oney has to go to work a little bit," Guillen quipped. "Ozney has got to go to public school and hopefully get a scholarship somewhere, a lot of (stuff). My mom’s got to cut a little bit, my dad’s got to get healthy, my sister’s got to find a rich man.

"There’s a lot behind the scenes. My captain and my boat, I’ve got to cut that thing down. There’s a lot of things I’ve got to pay. We’ll see what happens, I don’t know yet."

Um, this needs to be a reality TV show like yesterday. Seriously, Bravo, VH1, MTV, TLC (if they can get a little person in the cast), MLB network, I don't care. Somebody put the Guillens on TV immediately.

I was relieved to hear that Ozzie (Jr) only has to quit drinking a little bit. I follow Oney on Twitter and, if he's any indication, Ozney can just drop out of school now. Maybe they can date some Kardashians.

UPDATE: Guillen said Monday night's game would be his last as the White Sox manager.