Jose Canseco Update

Ripken watches baseball game with block of cheese

Baltimore, MD - Former Baltimore Orioles' shortstop Cal Ripken Jr. was recently spotted watching a baseball game with a block of cheese, according to the above photograph obtained by Off Base Percentage. Ripken, who earlier this month was named the new head coach of the Blue Team, was finishing his diet soda when he confirmed that one of his goals as coach was "to teach cheese the game of baseball".

Ripken, with the help of top scout Barney Lyle, is also hoping to break baseball's Cheddar Barrier.

"We like (the block of cheddar's) speed, but at the plate and in the field, it is still a bit moldy," said Lyle, who also helped break baseball's Legume Barrier when he signed a garbanzo bean in 2009.

As for whether or not hats will stay attached to blocks of cheddar at the professional level, Lyle said it would depend on the game situation.

Illustrating Plate Appearances To Ruben Amaro

Crossing Broad recently uncovered that Phillies GM (General effing Manager) Ruben Amaro Jr. doesn't really understand the difference between plate appearances and at bats. While discussing Jimmy Rollins' run at Mike Schmidt's Phillies' hits record, RAJ dropped this unknowledge bomb on us...

“Yeah, we were checking it out. In fact Schmitty was in the booth yesterday when we were talking about it, and, um, I think it’s about a thousand difference in, ah, plate appearances. Pretty amazing. But their batting averages aren’t that different, which is kind of… weird. I don’t quite understand it.”

That man runs a Major League Baseball front office. Into the ground but the fact remains the same. The 28-36 Phillies are only 6.5 games out of first in the NL East. So, maybe they can turn things around. I designed this to help Ruben Amaro Jr. with his unsurprising lack of understanding baseball terms.

Obviously, there are some other factors that can play into the discrepancy of PAs and ABs but baby steps. Hope this helps!

Brandon Wood Should File For Unemployment

Remember Brandon Wood? Wait, maybe we should start from the beginning. Remember 2003? It was 11 years ago so my memories might be fuzzy. I believe George Bush captured Saddam Hussien during a bicycle race in France for a cancer charity? And Guy Ritchie destroyed a once promising career by making Swept Away because Madonna became British. Also, the Angels selected Brandon Wood with the 23rd pick of the Rule 4 draft. In 2005, Wood hit 43 home runs for High A Rancho Cucamonga and entered 2006 as Baseball America's third overall prospect. It was a simpler time. And maybe breaking balls didn't exist in the minors yet.

It didn't go downhill immediately. Wood made his Major League debut in 2007 and hopes were still high. Then it fell apart. Brandon Wood ended up with 751 plate appearances in the Bigs and was last seen around Pittsburgh in 2011. Career slash? .186/.225/.289 with a 29% strikeout rate. It was ugly. And if this feels a bit like an obituary, it shouldn't. I have been one, if not the biggest, Brandon Wood supporter. I have proof. But if that slash line isn't baseball nightmare fuel enough, Wood just posted a .098/.156/.159 in 90 plate appearances at Independent League, Sugar Land. Mmmm, Sugar Land. Turns out the Sugar Land Skeeters are in Houston and not downtown Diabetesville, Mississippi. Either way, the Skeeters released Brandon Wood on June 1 according to this transaction page that apparently exists.

Now, I've never played competitive baseball but I assume getting cut from an Independent Baseball club is the equivalent to being kicked off of the beer league bowling team. That uses bumpers. At 29-years-old, being released from an Independent League team should signal the end of the career from a legit former prospect. It's sad. And disappointing. What's next? He should file for unemployment. According to a 2012 Baseball America article, Independent League players could make up to $600 per month. That's a lot of cans of tuna. Provided he moves back in with his parents.

While this news does make me sad, for serious, I'm looking forward to the savings Brandon Wood will be able to get me when I buy a new Kia Spectra if he makes it through the training period at that dealership.

It's MLB auction time

Major League Baseball is auctioning off some items tonight at auctions.mlb.com. A few pieces caught my eye, so I made a few bids.

First, we have Pittsburgh closer Mark Melancon and his game-worn #35 jersey. The 'current bid' was $400, but I can't go any higher than 45 cents.

Next: it's Chris Stewart and his game-worn #19 jersey. I can almost feel the jersey on my back, caressing me while I cook breakfast for Chris Stewart.

UPDATE: 8:10 PM

The bidding for the Stewart jersey has picked up quite a bit. I will not be out-bid.

Finally, we have a lineup card from a game Kyle Lohse pitched against the Padres on April 23. Kyle Loshe? The Padres? A piece of cardboard? April 23rd?! Too good to pass up.

Lloyd-Trout Engagement Announcement

Anaheim Angels outfielder Mike Trout, the "pride of the Anaheim Angels outfield", has accepted a marriage proposal from 44-year old M.J. Lloyd of New Orleans. The two have known each other since Trout's senior year at Millville High School in New Jersey when Lloyd showed up to the school's prom with a cardboard cutout of Trout glued to his bare chest.

"It was a match made at my Uncle Murray's house," said Lloyd at the time. "That's where I had the cutout made and Murray did the gluing in the driveway before the limo came."

The two drifted apart after Trout was selected in the first round of the 2009 MLB Draft by the Angels and Lloyd began his career as an Applebees hostess impersonating an Elvis impersonator, coining the phrase "thank you, thank you very much for coming."

Trout would become one of the top players in baseball, while also becoming one of the country's most eligible bachelors, finishing first in his living room for five consecutive weeks on the reality TV show Watching 'The Bachelor'.

Little did Trout know, but his old flame was also watching Trout's television, from a Japanese maple, on the reality show Watching Mike Trout Watch Things. The two have been inseparable ever since.

"His eyes were so bloodshot, I had him come inside and I picked all of the leaves out of his ears. Then I realized how much I had missed him," said Trout. "Also, he had a fun size Butterfinger in his beard, so, he asked me to share a meal, and his life."

The pair hasn't yet set a date for the wedding, though Lloyd has suggested February of 2015, after his team's two decade-long wiffle ball season finally commences. Lloyd is his team's all-time leader in outfield fall downs with 117 and hangons (66), including a league-record 28 Hang On I Think I Was Stung By Somethings.

Pastor Irving Fleisch

is expected to preside over the wedding.